Dad’s Caring Affection - Treasures of the Heart
Who has not heard the truism, “a picture is worth a thousand words”? It is a fact of life that people tend not to remember words as well as they remember images. That is because images often stir up deep, inner feelings in ways that words cannot.
We do not often think about it, but most of our adult lives are built on the images of our childhood and youth. Our adult lives are a collection of how our parents spoke to us, communicated their love, affirmed us, or showed their displeasure—how they continually defined touch, closeness, and warmth, and how they shaped our view of the world with their lives and their values. The images of our childhood can greatly encourage us, or they can wound us for years to come.
As a father, do you ever think about the lifelong images you impress on your children or the images they are impressing on you—images that will eventually become treasures of the heart?
It has often been said that people tend not to appreciate the full value of something until it comes under assault or until they no longer have it but wish they did. For example, who, after having lost a parent, does not search their memory for pleasant images and treasured moments of their togetherness? While there is joy when those memories are found, there’s a sadness when they are lacking, brought on by a sense that something is missing.
What will those treasured moments look like for your children? What will your children remember about the tone of your voice, the warmth of your touch, the look of your approval, and the sounds of your encouragement? Here we wish to highlight some of the developmental implications associated with the various childhood images. We will do this by looking at some universally shared needs and pleasures that children have and connecting them to some practical ways fathers can create beautiful images that eventually become treasures of the heart for their children.
Introduction
Parenting The Five Senses
Touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing, these five senses serve to interpret the world around us. While each sense comes with its own unique sensory receptors and travels to its own pre-assigned destination in the brain, each serves a single purpose: to deliver messages from our physical surroundings to the person inside. Once in the brain, millions of neurons busily evaluate and organize each sensation, defining them according to their physical, emotional and intellectual relevance.
Although children receive sensory input from many different sources in their developing world, there is no greater influence on sensory messaging than that which comes from Mom and Dad as independent contributors. Each parent lays down his or her own unique sensory signature on their children that is distinct and life-long.
For example, a mother and father will touch their children, but the touch of a mother is not the same as the touch of a father; yet both are absolutely necessary. Hearing words of encouragement from Mom is not the same as hearing words of encouragement from Dad; yet, both are necessary! The love signature of each parent is so unique that, if there is a deficit in one, it cannot be made up by the other. It is the sensory signatures of both Mom and Dad that produce two-thirds of the family images that children carry into adulthood. The final one-third comes from Mom and Dad as a team of one. Thus, the sensory messages children acquire from their parents affect what they think and how they feel, and, eventually, what they think and feel will influence how they live.
One final introductory note regarding the five senses: while both parents send messages through all five senses, fathers tend to communicate their messages primarily through touch, hearing, and sight. These three portals flow the images of a father’s love, and the process of sending love messages begins on the first day with the power of Mom and Dad’s touch.
Neurological Implications of Touch
The sensory messaging of human touch is powerful and persuasive. It is the first of the five senses to develop in the womb and has the widest distribution of sensory pathways throughout the body. It is no wonder that touch is described as the first language that babies learn. And it is well that they do because physical contact, even in the early days of life, is all about messaging. From birth onward, humans are hard-wired with a biological need for human contact. Physical touch and closeness are the ultimate expressions of that contact, especially the tender touch messages communicated by Mom and Dad.
Why is touch so important? Parental touch not only guides a child to comfort, love, and security but helps to define the emotional meaning of these attributes. We know the valuable role touch plays during infancy because the lack of human touch will often lead to “failure to thrive.” However, what additional value does physical touch bring to the developing child, especially the touch that comes from the loving hands of a father? There are a few things to consider when it comes to sensory messaging and human touch.
Love is a many-splendored thing, so says the song. But how do children grow in the knowledge of love and affection, especially if touch is reduced only to the moments of Dad or Mom’s coming and going? Here are some developmental contrasts to consider. Children who are nurtured through warm, human touch have a tremendous advantage in life. They tend to be healthier, more relational, affectionate, attentive, and trusting; they tend to make wise choices, are less stressed, sleep better, and be better behaved.
We are not saying that successful parenting can be reduced to a daily regimen of hugs. But the absence of a steady amount of physical contact during early childhood tends to produce a series of common developmental deficiencies.
The research in the area of “touch deficiency” is rather persuasive. Many children who do not receive sufficient, appropriate touch are unable to form important neural connections. As a result, the potential behaviors with neurological implications affecting the development of these children include:
Disruptive behavior and impulse control issues
Need for affection, but relationally shallow
Difficulty understanding their own feelings
Under-developed sense of empathy
Difficulty cooperating
Difficulty connecting emotionally with other children
Difficulty expressing themselves verbally
Difficulty forming trusting relationships
At greater risk of childhood depression
Touch And Development
Dads and Daughters
In our world of high-tech toys and electronic games, children are literally losing touch with people, and that means parents must, more than ever, be proactively engaging their children in physical activities that involve touch. This is especially true during the pre-teen and early teen years with daughters. One of the more common mistakes fathers make in regard to a daughter who is just beginning to grow into her womanhood is to become fearful of hugging and holding her. Some fathers, in their desire to be respectful of these changes, will sometimes hold back on physical affection. These dads feels awkward, but his daughter can easily interpret his awkwardness as rejection.
She watches Dad wrestling and playing on the floor with her younger siblings and remembers when she was part of that scene. Or when she comes to hug him and kiss good night, again, his awkwardness resurfaces. Now, she is not only coping with her changing body but also her perceived loss of the fullness of Dad’s affection.
Fathers, please understand that there is still a little girl inside that growing body who continues to seek the security of Dad’s loving arms. She still needs hugs, kisses, and a gentle embrace from her dad, the most important masculine figure in her life. We have seen the negative side of this play out far too often. Fathers who fail to communicate their love through touch during this vulnerable transition phase of their daughter’s life tend to leave behind a yearning heart that can be taken captive by anyone willing to give her a little attention—and often, it will be the wrong person and the wrong type of attention!
Human emotions are often divided into two categories: the category of self and the category of others. The self-focused emotions include shame, envy, pride, anger, fear, and distrust, to name a few. The pro-social or other-oriented emotions include attributes and virtues such as sympathy, empathy, gratitude, kindness, and generosity.
Since virtues are tied to a concern for others and run contrary to our self-interests, developing pro-social emotions in children is more complicated. That is also why the sense of touch is so important. It also influences the healthy development of emotions. Long before children understand anything about the meanings of love, acceptance, approval, affection, appreciation, and admiration or can direct these attributes toward others, they experience these attributes from family members through physical touch.
Touch not only encourages these positive emotional attributes, but it also helps define their meaning in a child's life. These are all pro-social attributes. This happens because the touch of a father or mother is a primary conduit through which emotional images flow. Once implanted, the images carry emotional value. The more the pro-social images are reinforced, the more a child becomes emotionally intuitive in expressing these same emotions to others.
For example, fathers who frequently communicate compassion and care through touch, demonstrate gratitude or thankfulness through touch, or give affirmation and approval through touch are more likely to have children with advanced pro-social tendencies, which are prerequisites for healthy relationships. That happens because a father’s touch, whether through holding, patting, or rubbing a back, has an unmatched ability to reinforce and solidify emotional signals that come from Dad and Mom.
The bottom line is this: a father’s touch satisfies the emotions. Without it, a child can easily feel emotionally vulnerable and empty. In these challenging times, that is not a healthy condition in which to leave a child.
Touch And Emotions
Touch And Tenderness
We have already established that touch is a primary conduit through which emotional images flow. We know that once implanted, the images carry emotional value. The more positive images are reinforced, the more they become implanted. This truth has great relevance to the category of touch called tenderness.
It is one thing for Dads to get down on the floor and wrestle or rough house with the kids. That has positive developmental implications. The other side of touch does also. If tenderness is not a virtue, it should be because it reflects a tender heart, and Dads play a big part in nurturing that outcome.
Tenderness is one of those attributes that is “caught” more than it is taught. Children will learn the practical meaning of tenderness long before they can read. They learn it through the impressions of their minds, guided by watching their father’s tender gestures directed toward their Mom. Tenderness is revealed through the gentleness of your speech, a special look, or kindness. But most often it comes through touch—touch in the form of a kiss, a pat on the hand, a gentle embrace, or the way parents snuggle together in front of the children.
For example, when a daughter observes her father communicating tenderness to her mother, she develops a profile of the type of man she will allow into her life. When a son sees a routine demonstration of his father’s tenderness, he has a valuable example of how to communicate tenderness in all future relationships, including siblings, friends, his wife, and his own children.
Tenderness as a lifestyle supports happy, loving relationships and promotes emotional security, mainly because tenderness expresses sacrificial love directed toward one another. It is one gift every parent can afford to give their children. And when they do, their future son or daughter-in-law will say, “Thank you,” as will your own children, who will treasure your tenderness in their hearts.
Why is touch so important? Because touch validates all the other senses! A relationship filled with touch means no barriers and private spaces exist. Touch among family members communicates a quality of intimacy that the other senses cannot achieve.
Of course, we are referring to the general intimacy within individual families, not the intimacy within marriage. While a father or mother can multiply the benefits of physical touch by reinforcing the moment with verbal affirmation, your affirming words cannot connect with your child’s emotions without touch being a routine part of the parent-child equation. This is an important distinction. Touch verifies that an emotional connection exists between you and your children and validates everything you say.
Here’s how it works. Parental messages communicated through the visual and auditory senses, such as the look of approval, words of encouragement, and even a routine, “I love you,” have emotional value to a child, but only to the extent that the message can be validated. Physical touch creates the love context in which the other communicative forms of encouragement find their meaning.
We are not saying that parental touch must accompany every moment of verbal encouragement. Still, touch must be a big part of the parent-child relationship if verbal encouragement is to have its total influence. When Dad is not touching his children on a routine basis, he is not reinforcing the other love messages received throughout the day. The value of the other senses is diminished, and the primary sensory foundation for emotional intimacy is lacking.
That happens because Dads are not holding, touching and encouraging their children. Think of it this way: children learn to interpret life through the lens of the mind, and the lens of the mind is filled with the images of childhood that come through the portals of the senses. Touch gives meaning to the other four senses.
Touch creates memories. The more a Dad holds his children, the more the memories of comfort, joy, and security are valued as treasured moments hidden in the heart.
Touch Validates
Anyone who has children knows that life is busy. We feed our children, drive them here and there, take them to sporting events, and buy toys and unique sweet treats. Yet, nothing registers our love as deeply to our children as the warmth from physical touch and closeness.
Here are some practical suggestions to help a Dad and Mom stay emotionally connected with their kids through touch and closeness.
The best place to start is with your example. Demonstrate your affection for each other through loving touch, hand-holding, a warm embrace, and, indeed, that first kiss in the evening when one of you walks through the door. The image of that “one kiss” implants into your children's minds that Mom and Dad are doing just fine. They “see” love, and their emotions sense security.
For your children, taking advantage of the first opportunity in the morning is an excellent place to begin. It does not matter if cuddles and hugs take place in your room, their room, or any room where you start your day. Even if it is only a few short moments, touch has a cumulative value on your children’s developing sense of acceptance and security. When the family re-gathers in the evening, after Dad and Mom have their first kiss, it is time for everyone to receive hugs and kisses. When practiced routinely, it will become a habit of the heart, not to mention a treasured one as well.
Wrestling with Dad is a fun activity that involves plenty of healthy touch and that most kids enjoy. And while this may not be a “Mom” thing, being present as a smiling observer doubles the love message to your children. You might also consider including a little neck or back rub as part of your children’s pre-bedtime routine. This not only helps them relax, but it also sends them to bed with a good memory and positive feelings. Plus, an unexpected benefit we discovered as our children grew older was that we ended up on the receiving end of similar types of touch.
Finally, know this with parental certainty: Physical touch is an essential part of developing an emotional bond with your children, and not only will they thrive when their sense of touch and closeness is satisfied, but so will you. Some of these moments will remain in your children's minds and be flagged as moments that become treasures of the heart.
The Practical Side of Touch